Spiraling
by darandomninja
Summary: Alfred is being pushed down into depression. And like the trooper we know he is, he is trying to fight it. His POV. Inspired by Winter Finale of Glee.


**Author notes: This fic was written on the fly. I was finally able to watch last week's Glee episode, and this idea popped up when Shue talked about his experience with suicidal thoughts. It's true. Not everything has to be so... dramatic in order for one to become depressed to the point of thinking of suicide. Like he said, there is always one thing that will bring someone to that breaking point, and it varies from person to person. So please, take that message to heart. And please, if you ever notice someone spiraling downwards, please reach out and help. **

**This is written in Al's POV. He is spiraling down into depression, but like the trooper he is, he is fighting it. **

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><p>It was all spiraling down; out of control.<p>

What had happened to the American dream, where one can make their life the way they want it to be? That one can find success and happiness on their own terms? That no matter what kind of shit happens, one will always find a way to the path of happiness?

I guess the American dream was to be left to the dreamers, to those not fully facing the harsh cruelties of reality.

It's amazing really. To think that only a couple months before, I was on the top of my game. I finally confessed to my best friend that I love him. Finally, after all those efforts, Arthur Kirkland was my boyfriend. My friends were still the best, school went fairly well considering all the classes I was taking, and my relationship with my parents were the best it could be.

That is, without telling my parents the truth of me being gay.

I should've known my happy streak was to come to an end. After all, the moment Artie and I becamse official, we both made it clear we were not to tell either of our parents. And for as long as it lasted, it worked. A month went by and without incident, we were as happy as could be.

And then we finally had our first date.

It was simple really. We were to pretend to spend time at the library with the rest of our fellow classmates to study for an upcoming exam. Then, when our parents leave, we would go and spend our first date together in the amazing town center nearby.

Our first date. How I wish sometimes I could go back. It was so wonderful. The skies were as blue as ever. While it wasn't the most romantic, just spending time with him alone as a couple was a great feeling of itself. It seemed even Artie was caught up in the moment, because he even let me hold his hand. His hand! The guy who always seemed to be against PDA, started to grab my hand as we walked the crosswalk and never let it go.

Of course, reality isn't always as nice. Right after, his mother decided she hated me. Arthur said it was because she hates everyone. When he explained it to me, it was because she thought I was Artie's only friend, and she was extremely upset that he never introduced her to his other friends. But it wasn't just a simple anger that would fade away. No. She blew up. She never wanted Arthur to spend time with me, to see me, to talk to me, or even mention me. She went to go as far to call up her ex-husband to take Arthur a couple hours away during the break.

It was amazing that I didn't crack just then.

A week or two passed since Arthur left. Of course, we still stayed in touch, regardless of what his mother said. Things were starting to look up. And then, my own parents started to make hints. They knew something was up, and they knew I was hiding it from them.

Truth is, that even after two weeks had passed, I was still terribly upset over the incident with Arthur's mom. It was so bad that when I called Kiku for advice, he said that his mother, who didn't even speak much english, would always be willing to listen to me. That she, a woman who I've only known by short passings when I visited Kiku's house, truly wanted to help me, even if she didn't understand me.

I think that got to me. As much as Kiku's mom is wonderful, she isn't my mom. And I couldn't get the thought out of my head that why can she be willing to truly listen to me when I knew my own mother wouldn't.

So I tried. I took a risk. And Arthur and I paid the consequence.

I came out of the closet. I told them I was dating Arthur. From that point on, I realized that all the trust I had for them, was all misplaced.

For the rest of the winter break, they would continue to banter me, make fun of my dreams as if I wasn't in the least bit serious, and tell all my relatives of my relationship, which gave me so many looks of disguist, contempt, and disappointment.

They tried to force me to break up with Arthur. After talking it over with him, we decided to screw it and continue to be a couple, secret from both our parents again.

And it worked for the next two months. But now, it's turning out to be too much.

See, the whole relationship fiasco with my parents set me straight. It showed that the trust I had in them was terribly misplaced. The trust and love they said they had in me, was always superficial. That the unconditional love they always told me about was bullshit.

I learned that their unconditional love and support was unconditional, as long as I stayed in their control and followed all their rules.

I knew this, and yet, I still held hope. I finally told them I didn't want to major in biology before entering medical school like they've always envisioned for me. I told them that I wanted to major in Physics and American history, and to become a professor. Then, afterwards, I would see if I could still enter medical school.

I made it clear that it wasn't as if I wanted to quit my dreams of becoming a doctor or a surgeon. It was just, not my way of defining success.

My whole goal in life is to make a difference in another's life. To help them heal, mentally or physically, or both. As long as I am able to achieve this goal, then it didn't matter what career I would be.

And regardless of telling them my goal over and over again for the past 4 years, it made no difference.

Immediately, they called me a failure. I was a disappointment. And as I walked away, they loudly claimed that it was fine; they still had Matthew to fulfil their hopes and dreams. That they would make sure to raise him right as to not become a disappointment like me.

So, after that, I realized that no matter how they tried to reach out to me, asking me if they were good parents, asking if they could do anything, I knew it was all fake. They would do anything, as long as I followed their rules. They've even started saying that they are proud of having "two sons who will immediately become doctors after high school", completely disregarding what I told them of my hopes and dreams.

And now, my school has gone downwards. All those AP and Honor classes I have been taking that I've been doing decent on, are now C's, D's, and F's. I honestly can't focus on school right now. It's taking so much of my own strength and willpower to just keep on living.

It's so hard to continually tell yourself that all will be alright. That I will get through this. That I need to stray away from my thoughts of suicide and dying, that it won't help me at all.

I'm just so afraid of what will happen. My parents just aren't listening. And I know that if nothing is done soon... I'm just not sure if I'll be able to continue to tell myself that killing won't solve anything.

I can now rapidly feel my rational thinking slipping away. After being sad, depressed, and crying every day for the past month and a half, it's no wonder I'm so emotionally exhausted.

And yet, no one seems to notice. No one seems to notice how I come to school every day with my eyes swollen and red. That no one seems to realize I start to tear up in class, that it takes so much of my willpower not to just break down and cry. That when I'm not around people, forcing myself to smile and laugh, that I'm so depressed, having a raging, conflicting battle inside my head.

And where is Arthur in all of this? Isn't he supposed to help you get through this, to make sure you didn't fall this far, or fall any lower?

That's what I always wished. But I don't think it can happen. I don't think I can tell him.

Recently, all he has been doing is being sad too. He can't let go my mistake during the winter break. He says he is so sad that I told my parents, that I cracked under the pressure.

He said he was disappointed.

How I hate that fucking word.

So I guess this is it. Any and all risks I have taken have come back straight at me. Risks aren't worth it.

Now, all I have left is my willpower to stay alive, to continue to fight and try to see the silver lining.

But who knows when and if I'll finally be able to do that without effort again.

It was all spiraling down; out of control.


End file.
